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Tiago's Dream

Yesterday I finally dreamed with Tiago. For a brief moment in my current life I felt a relief, the one I was craving when he was in the ICU, which never came, instead came the searing pain. We were in a car, he was driving, this scene was repeated several times in my life. We talked about frivolities, the gossip of everyday life, things we always did. Few moments with my brother were really just ours, we always shared with other people: music, RPG, and we were surrounded by friends and family. Our rides to these places or to pick up the lunchbox on Saturdays were just our moments. That's why the dream reproduced it. I remember, throughout the dream, breathing a sigh of relief, trying to search in my memory how he came out of his illness, how he got well. And as the dream passed, I realized what it really was and more than that, how life is. 
I see in my children my relationship with Tiago, how we didn't declare to each other, but we influenced each other, we shared everything and how intimate our relationship was. I didn't want the dream to end. And it's weird how real it was, and how much of Tiago's presence I felt. How much that parallel dimension perfectly emulated a scenario that I aspired to, that I still aspire to, but which is now impossible. 
Tiago being alive, was something that made my mind rest in a safe place, it was like walking into a dangerous, unknown place, but looking back, knowing there was a way back. 
Now, there is no way back, just uncertainties, grief, pain and insecurity. I wanted to talk about it in the dream with him, but I would never talk about it in real life, because it was all implied. Talking about it would have been making the dream unreal. I wish I could dream with him every day and have crumbs from his presence. But I know it's not possible, I continue in my attempt at reframing and to seek/find his legacy around me.

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